One of the biggest worries I have had since starting this blog was letting my friends read it, there are things that I have written and will write that they know nothing about and in all honestly I am fairly scared about their reactions if and when they read them.
I have an amazing group of friends and I would jump in front of car for any of them, well most of them, some of them might need some a bit of knocked into them. The way I see it, it is not a reflection of them or our friendship that they don’t know things about me that I have hidden from everybody apart from the other people who live in my head. (Just in case you wondered I only have one voice in my head.)
But, this whole experience has made me very insular, I am an extremely social person and love to “work a room” but beyond being friendly I keep my cards very close to my chest as to what is really happening in my head. I prensent a bravado that really isn’t me, I imagine it is a protection mechanism, for me and for my friends; I don’t want them to associate me with anything to do with my illness. I just want them to be friends with ‘me’, the one that a lot of them knew before my illness, but I guess I am starting to learn that this is a part of me and for them to know who I am it is important that I don’t bricked them out of a part of my life.
I would definitely say I have lived behind a facade for probably the full 10 or so years, which is pretty scary to realise. I have been to and still go to pretty dark places in my head. My dark place and I get on pretty well these days, I try to give it a few hours at a time convenient to me every week, and as a result I rarely get dragged into a slump as frequently as I use to. I have always been able to paint a rose picture for observers but I have never taken time to stop and think if people are recognising my strange depressive behaviour and let me get on with it or just let me get on with it.
My head has been fully loopy ever since my diagnosis but it got worse when I realised that I was going loopy and not talking to anyone. You become more insular as you come to terms with just how cuckoo you have become, well I did anyway.
Oh and yeah and …………… I have heard the one about the dark space in your head being because something is missing.